Life is transition

June 3, 2016

Do you ever get caught up in a spiral of self-judgment when you feel like you have failed at something? 

I’m going to be honest about something… I have been judging the shit out of myself for about 3 years now about this one thing that I can’t seem to move past.  Three years is a long time to feel like a failure.  Trust me.  I know it sounds like I am being hard on myself but that is exactly what I have been doing and it sucks!  It’s not that I spend every day wallowing around feeling sad and depressed.  But I have been “stuck” in certain areas of my life that are related to this area of “failure.”  I feel like one of those “quote, un-quote” people right now.  Sorry. 

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you are way too much

June 1, 2016

Too Much

I was reading Mantra Yoga + Health Magazine the other night, they did a cool series called “Strong Woman Feature” I had to read.  I love hearing strong, successful women share their vulnerabilities.  I think it is so powerful for other women to realize that they don’t have to have their shit 100% together to make a huge difference in the world.  I think we see these amazing women and have a tendency to think that it is so far from what we are, when we hear their stories it’s an inspiration to move forward.  Anyway, the series is very cool. 

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how a little quote changed my life

May 26, 2016

For obvious reasons I have replaced my nightly glass of wine with a cup of herbal tea before bed.  I rarely read the tea bag wisdom that comes on the end of the string… mostly because by the end of the day the last thing I want to do is think about trying to be a better person.  I have most likely been thinking about that in one form or another since the moment I opened my eyes that morning, and I’m ready to binge watch Netflix until it’s time to go to bed.  However, lately I have been struggling with some areas of my life.  Specifically my romantic relationship and my career.  And since I live and work with my boyfriend, those two areas are pretty prominent  in my life right now.  I won’t get into the details but let’s just say that I have been actively thinking myself into exhaustion about it for the last couple months, pushing for solutions, blaming other people, ruffling feathers, creating waves, jumping to conclusions and all the while managing to be passive aggressive about it all.  I know…..you’re dying to hang out with me.  Anyway, while Netflix was changing from episode nineteen to episode twenty, I happen to glance down at that stupid little string and read the message. 

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gloriously flawed

May 16, 2016

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It’s been a while since I have written anything.  Actually, it was the day I decided to change the name of my blog from Penrose Place to Gloriously Flawed.  To be completely honest, I love writing, I love blogging, I love creating… but sometimes I let those passions get lost in the desire to have lots of followers and get lots of likes on Instagram or whatever social media outlet.  And that isn’t the point.  So, I wanted to take a step back and reflect on what I really wanted to create, not just want I thought I should create to be “liked” by whoever.  Anyway, the name Gloriously Flawed came to me in a mediation.  I had been giving a lot of thought to who I have been, who I am, and who I am becoming.  And to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t really liking what I was seeing.  I didn’t want to go into a self-pity judgment party over it.  I just wanted some time to step back and let myself have some space.  I realized some interesting things about myself, how I show up in the world and who I really am.  I realized that I am so hard on myself, it’s hard to breathe sometimes.  I realized that if everything isn’t perfect, I can’t move forward.  I get stuck and go into a self-judgment that often ends in depression.

I still don’t have a 100% grasp on exactly what “Gloriously Flawed” will be or where it will go, but that’s the point.  To let it evolve with me.  To journal my journey and vulnerably share it.  To help me remember that our journeys are not about getting it right but doing things that bring you joy or contentment or peacefulness.  To realize that it’s ok to not be liked by everyone.  And that it’s not the end of the world to eat a cookie or two.  It’s also ok to toot your own horn once in a while.  And to walk away from the people in your life that bring you down.

I want to remind myself and other women that this made up concept of perfection is a killer of creative genius.  It’s the root of self-judgment and self-inflicted pain and suffering.  Sometimes I feel like I am alone but I know I am not.  There are other people who just need the gentle reminder to let go, breathe, laugh, create and not take life so seriously. 

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the art of receiving

March 29, 2016

You know when you have an awareness about something that is pretty life changing?  You know, what Oprah calls the  “ah ha” moment?  I just call it awareness, although, I guess there have been times when I yelled “ah ha” with excitement after having one of these moments.  Anyway, it’s not uncommon, once you experience this, to begin being hyper-aware of this new found wisdom all around you… especially in other people.  Let me explain, a few years ago while on one of my many adventures into personal development, I was exploring certain areas of my life that I was struggling with, or maybe just areas I thought could be improved.  I was using my mind to try and figure out how to work harder, make more money, give more money, find a partner etc., etc.  After completely exhausting myself, I stopped the mental masturbation and just sat back for a moment to rest…. and that’s when it came.  I realized that my problem wasn’t my lack of hard work, philanthropy, or not being lovable enough to find a romantic partner.  My problem was that I was unable to receive. 

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The Body Post (Plus Spring Stripes)

March 25, 2016

I was watching Vice the other night and it was about the country of Mauritania where the women go out into the dessert, often times with their daughters, they sit under tarps and drink nothing but milk and eat these little balls of dough until they throw up.  Well, they do their best not to throw up or to move too much because the entire purpose of this practice is to gain as much weight as possible.  In their culture being heavy is seen as beautiful, so much so that it is hard to find a man to marry if you are not fat.  Basically the bigger the better.  Which is very  interesting to me, considering the culture we live in which is basically the exact opposite.  

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Is your need for validation a set back?

March 23, 2016

Do you ever wake up in the morning and wonder why you are not where you want to be in your life?  I do this a lot.  And don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing life.  But I am a dreamer and a seeker, which sounds cool and everything but in reality kind of feels like a constant yearning for something unknown or some dream just out of reach.  I’m always wondering what’s next and I live in a constant state of boredom.  Even when I’m overwhelmed with work and tasks, I still feel bored.  It’s not necessarily the typical way we describe boredom, like not having anything to do, it’s more of an itch that won’t go away.  An itch that is constantly tugging at me no matter how much I ignore it.  It feels like something shoving me to fulfill my life’s purpose and yet I don’t know what exactly that is. 

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What is Consciousness?

March 21, 2016

Consciousness

Consciousness.  This word is thrown around left and right these days.  Conscious living, conscious eating, raising conscious children, having a conscious relationship, etc. etc. etc.  I bet it means different things to different people.  I bet some people use it because they passionately think it will change the world, while others use it on a more superficial level, some use it medically to refer to themselves or others as awake (up and talking) and maybe some people just use it to use it… I probably do that with a few words 🙂

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Spring Florals + Getting out of a Style Rut

March 16, 2016

I have to give the credit for this dress to my mom.  We were wandering around Anthropologie one day and she held it up with a big smile on her face asking me if I liked it.  “No” I promptly replied and started to walk way.  She told me to just try it on.  “Fine.”  And man, was I glad I did.  It’s one of those dresses that just makes me feel amazing when I put it on.  (Probably because it’s silk)  Once I put it on I was frolicking around the dressing room like a little girl on Christmas morning.  It’s flowing, tiered, silk fabric made my day!   

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4 Tools to Change Your Perspective on Self-Doubt

March 15, 2016

 

I was having dinner with my boyfriend this past Friday night and we were discussing something that got me thinking.  He brought up the topic, which is weird because usually I am the one who always takes everything to the deeper side.  Anyway, he said he thought it was interesting  how someone can say something mean about him and it doesn’t phase  him at all.  It’s like he knows it’s not true and so it just rolls off his chest and he goes on with his life.  Me on the other hand, I have a really hard time doing that.  If someone is mean to me, or I hear that someone was talking shit about me, I can’t let it go.  In fact, I think about it a lot.  I still remember mean things people said to me in elementary and high school, and I still think about it now.  The opposite is also true, I’m overly sensitive to other people’s feelings as well.  This isn’t news to me, I am fully aware that I do this.  The thing is, I started to go into self-doubt and judgment for not having a thicker skin.  I thought about all the times I tried to be more extroverted and failed.  I felt myself start to spiral into a hole of self-pity. 

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